Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Vietnam sNews - Nothing Much Happened Again Today in Vietnam: V

Yep, today was boring as usual. A slow news day - so I'm going to spend some time with the local paper, The Vietnam sNews and read it to you - cover to cover.

Let's go!

The Vietnam sNews - all the news the censors say is fit.

Front page:

Headline: British glam rocker Gary Glitter freed in Vietnam


OK, Thailand (PP) — British glam rocker Gary Glitter was refused entry into Thailand, officials said Wednesday, a day after the convicted child molester was freed by gary glitter, homosexual, pedophile, arrested, Vietnam, poofter, rock and roll #2, asshole, glam rock, looserVietnam following nearly three years in prison.

The 64-year-old Glitter arrived at Bangkok, Thailand's international airport after Vietnam deported him. But he refused to board a connecting flight to London and officials denied him entry into Thailand, a senior immigration official told The Associated Press.

Glitter w
as confined to an airport transit lounge, police Maj. Gen. Phongded Chaiprawat said. Phongded said he did not known Glitter's next destination but that it was the responsibility of Thai Airways International, the national carrier on which Glitter was flying, to fly him out of Thailand. "Those assholes ought to fly him to hell, that f#%&*^$! pervert", he stated.

Another Thai immigration official at the airport said his department received a note from Vietnam and Interpol requesting that Glitter not be allowed entry into Thailand. "Give him the old cavity search for about 18 hrs.", the note read, "He liked that sort of thing in prison". The official spoke on condition of anonymity since he was not authorized to speak to the press.

The immigration official said Glitter refused to board the London-bound plane, complaining of an ear ache. Immigration officials, he said, gave the airline permission to take Glitter to an airport clinic where the doctor checked his complaint. He was then returned to the airport's lounge with the ear having been removed and put into a jar of formaldahyde for reattachment after the flight. Poofter.

Page 2- Business:

Headline: Smelly seafood industry loves exports

By Khanh Thanh Manh– 4 days ago

HCM CITY — In the first seven months of the year, Viet Nam’s seafood export turnover increased by 200 per cent year on year to US$20.4 billion, according to the Viet Nam Association of Seafood Exporters and Pirates (VASEP). "Geeez, the smell of fish around here is excruciating! You'd think somebody died but we're laughing all the way to the bank", sastinky, seafood, vietnam, ugly, satire, poofter, gary glitter, funny, fishid a representative who wished to remain un-named. In July alone, processors exported over 136,000 tonnes of stinky seafood, worth nearly $476 million, according to VASEP. This is the highest growth rate for quantity and value in the past three hundred years. "This stuff was poor quality anyway. Better to get a bunch of dumb foreigners to eat it than serving it to our own people", the official stated.

Page 3- International:

Headline: Foreign men come by the bazzilions to Vietnam

By Tranh Phanh Schwanh– 4 days ago


HCM CITY — Although this year’s rate of male attraction to Viet Nam is lower than last year’s, the country is still the fiftieth most attractive destination for men among emerging markets, according to the second annual PricewaterhosePoopers (PwP)men, horny, vietnam, women, sexpats, southeast asia, sex, trade Emerging Market 20 Index. "You could put your money in Mongolia and chase camels across the Gobi but Vietnam's warmer, has beautiful women and the ability to get over-the-counter drugs that you'd need a court order for in the western world" said an immigrant who wished not to be identified.

"I get a woody just thinkin' about it", he continued. The index shows that the BRIC countries (Brazil, Russia, India and China) continue to offer good opportunities for male investment. However, the results of PwP’s innovative country risk and reward model put Vietnam in a class of it's own. "I chase tail in Vietnam every day and all I ever loose is the cash in my pocket, a celphone or an iPod or two. I'm good to go!"

Page 4 - Finance:

Headline: Cashew cash goes south

By Lanh Quanh Danh– 4 days ago


BINH DINH — Farmers are chopping down cashew plants in the south-central province of Binh Dinh, complaining the crop "ain't worth a hill of beans".

Figures from the province’s agricultural department show that the area under cashew cultivation has shrunk by 10,000 ha this year to 180,000ha. Up to another 20,000ha are foreca
farmers, cartoon, cashews, vietnam, cheap, upset, mad farmersst to be lost this year.

Farmers say that if the weather is fine a ha of cashew yields 400 kilograms of nuts. At VND10,000-15,000 per kilogram, they earn a profit of a mere VND2-3 million per ha. Ha, ha, ha. "Chicken feed, I'd say", said Tranh Long Dich, an ex-cashew farmer

If the crop is affected by disease, the profit turns into a loss, they points out.

With the plants usually grown on hilly land in Binh Dinh Province, they find it hard to apply intensive farming. If there is heavy rain during the time the plants blossom, they bear few fruit, leading to even lower productivity. "This is crap", said another local farmer, "I'm going to Saigon to open a massage parlour. I'm getting a line to Amex and will just bleed expat foreigne
rs coming in here on fat corporate contracts. Now that's a living I tell ya. Screw cashews."

Page 5 - Leisure:

Headline: Belly dancing boyz bare their buttons

By Zanh Xuanh Nanh– 4 days ago


I almost didn’t recognise Nguyen Manh, an office worker, when he changed from business attire to an Arabian dress, adorned with bells and baring his midriff. He is getting ready for his belly dance class with South Korean dance teacher Ara Hwang, who is considered to have first introduced Viet Nam to belly dancing. Many men like Manh are taking up belly dancing as a new fitness and beauty trend in Ha Noi and HCM City. "Being gay used to be a problem in Vietnam but no longer", he said. "Now chicks dig me!"

Lan finds office work repetitive and stressful, he was first attracted to belly danci
belly dancing, vietnamese, sexy, men, ladies, goofy shit, gay, hobby, pastime, gary glitterng as a way to relax, but has since discovered other benefits. He has been belly dancing for over a year, and while other students go to one class a week, he attends at least four.

"Practising once a week is not enough to remember the dance movements, I have to practice regularly," he says.

"Belly dance is not so much for fitness or weight loss, if I just wanted to lose weight, I would go to aerobics class, but I'm gay so all I care about is meeting men who want have rabid uncontrolled wild sex with me!" says Lan. "I love belly dance because it makes me love my body and discover my true self."

Disclaimer: Of course none of this is real. Are you a bleeding idiot? No animals were hurt in the making of this blog. None of the people except Gary Glitter are real. This is satire. Deal with it.

For more in the "Nothing much happened" series, check below:

VIII People Are Just Dieing To Get Out of Here
VII The Hair Job
VI Happy New Year! Chúc Mừng Năm Mới!
V The Vietnam sNews
IV At The Center of Miss Universe
III My Walk in the Park Today
II The Stevie Wonder Post
I Ear Cleaning

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