Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Cheney delivers 1 Billion in aid to Georgia!

BAKU, Azerbaijan — The Bush administration plans to announce a $1 billion package of aid to help rebuild Georgia as Vice President Dick Cheney arrived in the region to signal support for Georgia.

Wait! Was Georgia damaged by a hurricane? Or are they just full of rednecks and yokels who destroyed the place? Well, of course not you dipshit. This is money our government would like to give to the former Soviet Georgia, and it's about a half a billion shy of what we gave to Katrina victims after the disaster in Louisiana. Chump change folks.

The aid — along with Mr. Cheney’s visit — is sure to increase tensions with Russia (no shit), whose leaders have accused the United States of stoking the conflict with Georgia over its two separatist regions, by providing weapons and training to the Georgians. Prime Minister Vladimir V. Putin has also complained that humanitarian supplies delivered by the American Navy and Air Force since Russian forces routed Georgian forces and occupied parts of the country were a disguise for delivering new weapons.

Geez. I can't believe that! I think it was just Cheetos & Twinkies. "Well, okay, the Cheetos had little squirtgun premiums inside", said a State Department spokesperson, "but even Cheney couldn't hit anything with em".

Administration officials have dismissed those accusations as baseless.

The aid package reflects an intensification of the administration’s support for Georgia, though President Bush and his senior advisors have yet to settle on why we're not doing fuck all about the continuing shit in Thailand, a country we let Democracy and Liberty fall to a military coup without lifting a friggin' finger.

Mr. Cheney is scheduled to visit Georgia on Thursday, followed by Ukraine. He will reportedly give the Ukrainians some Slinkies & Yo-yos.

Azerbaijan, like Georgia, is a former Soviet republic that has sought closer ties to the West and the United States because of all the rednecks living there, and it is considered a vital crossroads for oil and gas from the Caspian Sea. Underscoring the point, Mr. Cheney’s first meetings here in Baku were with representatives of two international oil companies: William Schrader of BP Azerbaijan and Robert Satmalchi of Chevron, according to a spokeswoman, Megan M. Mitchell, a girl who looks amazingly like Daisy Duke.

Premier Putin immediately earmarked another billion at least to back Republican VP Candidate Sarah Palin's formerly aborted campaign for Alaska to secede from the US and said, "Touche, Georgie boy! You wanna mess with my hood, I be messin' wid yours!"

Neither government would confirm squat about any of this nonsense, but on the QT: It's all fucking true!

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