Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tiger Woods Pardoned: Pope Prays for Promiscuous Pussy Pandering Putter

Pope Benedict XVI, Catholic Church, Nike, Papal, Jesus, Pontiff, Vatican, Satire, Tiger Woods, Pope Benedict XVI, Catholic Church, Nike, Papal, Jesus, Pontiff, Vatican, Satire, Tiger Woods, In a surprise announcement, Pope Benedict XVI has issued a global edict for prayer for Tiger Woods and has pardoned the embattled putter for his pandering promiscuous behaviour with his pecker in a gesture of forgiveness this Christmas season.

The Pope's love of golf and the beloved Papal golf cart seemed to be at the heart of his appeal.
"Oh, Lord spare the Woods. Oh Lord spare the irons. Oh Lord spare the putter with a plan to sink every hole all over this land!", invoked the Pontiff. "Amen". Calls to the Woods' camp were not immediately returned but getting a pardon from the Pope at this more than prickly juncture in his career is certainly a sign of props being lauded on possibly the most successful fleece flocker since Jesus.

"Shit, the Lord hisself couldn't even get Nike sponsorship"
, said the Vatican's chief black PR guy. "We've been jealous of that prick since he showed up. Maybe by giving him a get-out-of-jail free card he'll invite us to a soiree or two with some of dem hot blonde ho's he's got". "I got Cardinals all over my ass for this dammit", he continued. The Catholic Church has endured strong criticism of late for pardoning priests involved in questionable sexual activities, namely the passing over of pedophile pastors accused of playing with pre-pubescent parishioners for personal gain.

"That's preposterous", claimed another Vatican spokesperson. "Our Priests like little boys. That golfer is pumping his putter into old ladies! It's like comparing green apples and red apples. They're not even the same." Claims that the church is in denial over their views on sexual promiscuity were quickly denied by sources close to the Pope.

Tiger, you got a pass from the big guy. Go for it.

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